Fancy Free Hurricanes…storms for everyone, upgrades for some.

Allow me to ’splain.

The next time a hurricane comes barreling toward Florida, the wealthy may have a new way to make their exit bougie style.

While most residents will be doing the traditional hurricane tango, buying enough bottled water to survive the apocalypse, hunting for batteries like they are rare gemstones, and sitting in evacuation traffic long enough to lose your mind, a select few will simply head to the airport.

A new Florida company, Priority Evac, is selling premium hurricane evacuation memberships for people who prefer their natural disasters with upgraded seating.

For $1,250 a year, members with primary or secondary homes in Florida can secure a spot on evacuation flights when storms threaten. Pets fly for an additional $125. Apparently, Goldie the Goldendoodle has no intention of sharing Interstate 95 with rescue dogs.

The service promises to bypass gridlocked highways and the annual panic-driven scramble for airline tickets.

On staff is a retired senior hurricane specialist, which suggests someone involved actually knows what a hurricane is, a refreshing change from much of modern life.

The company operates from six coastal Florida airports and offers up a maximum of two evacuations per hurricane season aboard an Airbus A320.

The destination?

Atlanta.

After all the exclusivity, luxury logistics, and VIP disaster planning, everyone gets evacuated to the city best known for having the world’s busiest airport and enough traffic to make you nostalgic for the hurricane.

Naturally, the return flight costs extra, and members are responsible for all other travel expenses. While Mother Nature may be ruthless, she still cannot compete with the travel industry’s commitment to upselling.

Part of me admires the ingenuity. Florida has now transformed hurricane preparation into a subscription service. Somewhere, a marketing executive is undoubtedly brainstorming Platinum Hurricane Plus, featuring priority boarding, complimentary Gale Force cocktails, artisanal trail mix, and a laminated badge identifying you as a Category 5 member.

One can only imagine what is next.

For an additional fee, perhaps a sophisticated Storm Surge Lounge with reclining chairs and emotional support pups. Maybe a concierge who texts reassuring updates such as, “Good news, Mr. Smith. Your beach house is underwater, but your Chardonnay arrived safely in Atlanta.”

And let’s be honest. This is Florida, the state that gave us gated communities, VIP theme-park line passes, and waterfront homes built in places that routinely appear on weather maps in alarming shades of red.

Was it really only a matter of time before hurricanes got a premium tier?

Meanwhile, the rest of us will continue with the traditional evacuation package, consisting of a half tank of gas, a trunk full of snacks, three weather apps, two arguments about whether to leave, carpel tunnel from lifting dozens of sand bags, precious photo albums dumped into Publix plastic bags, and the unwavering belief that maybe this storm will turn at the last minute.

Nothing says modern America quite like discovering that hurricane season now comes with a first-class option.

Fancy free, indeed.